Love is Freedom: Monica

“It’s not about the pedicure, manicure, or whatever it is, spending money. Spend your time with yourself and learn to love it.”

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Relationship Status: Recently out of a two year relationship.

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What is love? 

To me it has to start within. And I’m still learning in the process of loving myself. And when you’re more in tune with yourself, and especially when you kind of go through something dark, you become more intuitive of other people’s problems. And I feel connecting with people a lot, I feel the love. I feel that when we give each other the time, I feel the warmth and kindness that comes out and makes the world seem a better place.

And now that I’m single, I want to experience life in the best way possible and that is with love and gratitude. And with anyone really, you want to give and receive that affection to whoever it is. And it doesn’t have to be one person and I don’t think we should restrict ourselves.

So currently you’re single. How long ago was your last relationship?

We ended it like a month ago. We were together for two years, almost three.

Did you learn anything in particular?

I think I learned a lot from him. And generally I like to see these downtimes as a good experience. And even though it’s a little sad letting go I think that love, to love someone, that they feel free is what love is.

I really appreciate my ex existing because he gave me that unconditional love. And even after we decided, “You know we’re not working well together anymore,” he loves me so much that he was able to let me go, in a mature way because he wants to see me grow.

I learned a lot of things. I learned that you want to love someone where they feel free. You don’t want to hold them and keep them stuck. And I think that’s what I did at times and that’s what he felt he was doing too.

And that was one of the issues where I never experienced my own life long enough I’ve been in a relationship and then I went to another one right away. I wasn’t able to really connect with myself fully.

And I think I’m doing that now and that’s what I mean about self-love. It’s not about the pedicure, manicure, or whatever it is, spending money. Spend your time with yourself and learn to love it. Everyday is a meditation to me. Just sitting, walking, on a bus, reading, whatever it is, and to be connected to this earth and this human form that we’re in right now: We should be loving.

Now you’re exploring self-love more, but what was love for you growing up before this point? 

I actually recently tapped into my past, I had a lot of dad issues. I discovered that and that interfered with my relationships now. My parents always had fights and they kept threatening to divorce and I was in the middle of that, I was little I didn’t understand. And they weren’t the best relationship. Then I started to really see myself as my mom, and I felt that I was going to end up like their relationship. I started seeing that with my first boyfriend. It was pretty toxic. We cared for each other but it was a high school relationship, we started young, and I saw a lot of similarities between my relationship at that point and as my parents. So it wasn’t the unconditional love that you want to grow up seeing. And I know they love each other but they have their issues and that’s the only thing I saw. 

So, this time around what made your relationship healthy?

Honesty. We were open with our problems, we didn’t try to hide it, and when we did he would bring it up. And telling the truth and receiving the truth is very tough. But I believe that in any relationship there’s a lesson in it and there’s a certain time to separate.

Do you think it’s easier to love others than it is ourselves?

I think a lot of people have a hard time loving. And I think a lot of people go into relationships where they’re not ready. Of course you learn from [dating], do it. But you have to really go in to this journey with yourself and know yourself. Find the truth. Give yourself that love and trust. And then you can really have any solid relationship.

And a lot of people don’t recognize that. They just go into a relationship and there’s problems and it’s a cycle. And some people always keep going to the wrong people, they keep getting drawn into that because they’re not fully aware themselves.

It’s said on social media a lot, “Oh self-love, show self care”—but a lot of us aren’t doing it. We say that for the context of just showing that we are, but to go on that journey just with yourself, you’re going to be by yourself. I think that it can be scary for people to let go of the people that are toxic or the things that are toxic, but that is needed for this whole self discovery journey I believe. And it’s a hard in the moment, whatever it is you’re going through, but the universe is in your favour.

And as long as you put out the energy that you want, it’s definitely going to come back to you. And I believe in that. 

To attract who you want you have to be that.

Do you see yourself getting into a relationship again soon?

Oh no, I decided I don’t want to. At the beginning I was kind of guilt tripping myself with, “Oh my God I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve to be with another person right now, for the sake of him.” But I’m learning to live my life again with the love that I want to and with people that want the same thing. And just experience. But I think at this time I want to be my own mentor and I want to shape who I want to become. So having someone in that process is not fair, especially when in time of healing, and I don’t think I’m broken but I think that definitely there’s a lot of growth to pursue and to have another person there… it’s not needed. I definitely love to have just good people around me that are on the same wavelength and that’s it. And wherever it goes, whatever, I’m not looking. 

We talked about romantic love, and self-love, but what about familial or friendship?

I think we should love everyone like they’re our family because talking in terms of consciousness, we are one. And the more we just love each other, as we want to love ourselves, then that’s going to keep on multiplying and this world will not be so shitty. You want for your whole family to survive, to keep on producing; but everyone is our family and I think that we need to build more compassion to others. That’s what I mean about starting a conversation with a stranger because you don’t know how much they need that. You don’t know how much they need a smile or just for you to give your time, it’s so precious—and do that with your friends, check up on them. But do it with strangers too. Start a conversation, make some new friends.

Love is…? Fill in the blank with one word or two. 

Love is freedom. Love is not getting what you want. If you love someone and you really try hard to get them just to be with you, that’s not love, because you’re going to push them more away.